The Struggle Continues

Please accept yet another apology from me for my absence from the blog. It was my intention in the beginning to post twice a week, and I haven’t kept that commitment to you.

I haven’t blogged, because I’ve been struggling myself. When I started this blog, I wanted to share my success story, my journey of recovery with you. Now it seems that I’ll be sharing my own struggles with you. I hope we can encourage one another. At the same time, I will be sharing what is and is not working for me. Perhaps we can be of help to one another.

For such a long time, I’ve been out of therapy, partly because I thought I didn’t really need it anymore and more recently because I just couldn’t afford it. Now that I’m back in treatment, after several visits, my psychologist and my psychiatrist agree that I am probably not fully integrated. As I have shared previously, I thought I integrated 11 years ago. However, when they told me, though I was disappointed, I can’t say I was terribly shocked. Several occurrences had caused me to wonder if perhaps someone or “someones” were still there.

I think it’s possible they’ve been afraid to rock the boat, because I was so convinced I was integrated. Lately, though, I think part of the reason my life has become so difficult may be because I haven’t allowed them to “be,” to share what they need with me.

The fact that I also have bipolar disorder muddies the waters of my symptoms and treatments. The dual diagnosis makes the work and the decisions of my psychiatrist and psychologist that much more difficult. Now, I’m beginning to wonder if perhaps I don’t have bipolar disorder at all. Perhaps the symptoms are caused more by the parts inside rather than dysfunctional brain chemicals. 

As I share this, I wonder whether this blog serves anyone’s needs. Please comment to let me know whether you want to me to continue and perhaps we can walk down this path together, though it is different from what I expected. I don’t want to continue posting if no one finds my words of comfort, encouragement or value, and my posts may be infrequent as I’m struggling to have the energy to write or the ability to think and communicate clearly.

Thank you for your caring and sharing.

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6 responses to “The Struggle Continues

  • Ang

    You are helping others. You are helping me take things out of the box to examine, understand, and to heal. Some go back in the box- but at least they are taken out so they can be felt, even if only a little bit.

    I wish healing to you, and for me, and for everyone who has been affected by these crimes.

    • Jessica

      Thank you for your encouragement. Hearing from readers means so much to me. It helps motivate me to keep writing. I hope that you are able to continue to “take things out of the box” more and more frequently and for longer at a time. Slowly and a bit at a time is great; it’s progress, and that’s the name of the game. Hang in there.

  • Astrid

    {{{{{ Jessica }}}}} I firmly believe this will help so many people – including you – to write about your journey. Those that have been through abuse themselves, loved ones of those that have been through this, but don’t know what their friend, sibling, spouse, relative, etc. is / has gone through. I believe it’s easier to write about what you are feeling and going through than it is to express it to those you love / care about. This gives the information that’s helpful. Thank you for providing an avenue for yourself and so many others to get a better understanding of the never ending journey. Chin up! You are not and never are alone! ❤

    • Jessica

      Thank you! You are so right about the writing of the blog helping me as much as anyone else. As you said, very often friends and family don’t and may never understand. We can be one another’s family. Here we can share what we are feeling and experiencing and know that we are safe. We can encourage one another with the understanding that only experience offers. We’re in this together, and thank you for your encouragement. I need you all as much as anyone needs me!

  • heathermatzdorf

    Thank you Jessica. Yes, what you wrote here matters. That is all I can say right now.

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